The short answer: Depression.
The long answer?
Since moving to Los Angeles, I had been living off of the savings that I had accumulated from my 401k. And I’ve been fortunate enough to be an assistant to a film producer for some time now, but as of late, it hasn’t been enough to stay afloat and so I have been forced to take additional work as an Uber and Lyft driver (comparison post coming soon).
My sleep schedule has been torn asunder and I find myself sleeping in almost every day. I’ve been struggling as I must pay all of my bills (around $1700/mo.) in order to skirt by. Honestly, I’d sell my cell phone and use a flip phone if I didn’t need it for ridesharing.
Not to mention that my creative self has been struggling to remain active and so clearly, I haven’t given my works the attention that they deserve. If you’ve been reading the #52PickUp or My Cancer Story on my blog www.guyonawire.com lately, then you already know.
This is not a post for excuses or to beg for money, this is simply my way of attempting to verbalize this current low and to illustrate to others that they are not alone.
Most people don’t discuss their low points in life for fear of castigation – or God knows why else – but it’s a part of my process: to diminish the power of which this depression holds over me. And so, when I get anxious, I’m open about it, and as a result, it quickly dissipates.
This vicious cycle is formed solely by my hand and I know that. I sleep in and either don’t get time to be creative or I miss my window to get more money per hour, and then subsequently hate myself for not being creative or productive, and then I sleep in, not wanting to get out bed. I suppose there is a silver lining in that cycle: My mind has become so deft at creating dreams scenarios to convince myself that the alarm clocks (or some of them) should be ignored.
I’ve been applying to many jobs in order to free myself from the self-employed waters of which I find myself currently wading.
But as of now, this unrelenting lack of motivation and energy is creatively draining me. For now, I will continue to fight this ulterior version of myself at every turn until I have silenced him long enough to regain a sort of momentum.
I moved out here to achieve my dreams and this is not where my story ends. I’m here for the long haul and as a result, there will always be bumps in the road. So in conclusion: stay active, make daily goals, and most of all, and remember that you are not alone.