You know, lately, if I wasn’t so busy writing blank pages, then it sure seems as though I wrote an awful lot about depression. Yet there are always two sides to a coin and when you flip one in the air, you’re bound to see the other side eventually. It may not look like it when the damned thing is spinning so fast, but the other side – the face side – is there at the ready; in a moment’s notice.
I wrote a post yesterday about working through a depression regarding my financial & creative funks. The response was overwhelming, to say the least– well, on Facebook; I can’t for the life of me figure out how to get people to comment directly through WordPress. I wrote a post about the nurses’ strike one time that elicited several comments, but that’s about it.
The reason for the follow-up is that I wanted to demonstrate the effect that these responses can have on an individual experiencing such a low. We all scroll through Facebook and ‘Like’ or ‘Haha’ or ‘Sad’ or ‘Wow!’ a post about kittens and Trump, but we rarely talk to each other and never ask how anyone else is doing.
*Before you ask, no, the mattress isn’t purple in color.*
*Also, I have NOT been endorsed by the Purple Mattress Company in any way, this is an impartial review (but I would totally take them up on it).*
I haven’t slept on a real mattress since I moved out West to Los Angeles in early November. For the first few months, I slept on a futon that my temporary roommate had in her apartment.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it was a comfy-ass futon, so that was NOT a problem. But when I ventured out into an actual rental with my new roommate, I spent the past month on the floor with only a custom-knit throw blanket my grandmother made me, and a brand new pillow from Target. I didn’t know when I’d ever get a bed. Continue reading
*For context: Colin Moriarty recently left Kinda Funny to produce his own video content for his first love: Politics and History. I recently mentioned him on the blog here: The Glossary of an Adult.
When I first heard you on Beyond in 2010, I despised you. I rolled my eyes whenever your voice appeared. But as I listened, I grew fond of your honesty and insight. So, I took a long and hard look at myself as to why I would react in such a way, and I had to admit that I was wrong. I misjudged you.
*Note: This was a post that I had meant to write months ago, immediately after the summer gardening season, but I never got around to it. So now, it’s a memoriam to one of the most hard-working people that I have ever known.
This is for you, John “Jack” Caruso.
In my youth, my Father spent lots of time tending to our personal garden over the summer months in Northern Maine. My brother and I were however too lazy to help in any discernible way, and to subsequently learn a life lesson about hard work and dedication in the process. We sure did enjoy eating the fruits of his labor though!
I will forever regret the decision I made last night. If there was ever truth to the parallel universe theory, wherein with every individual’s decision, comes a split universe where the opposite reaction occurs, then this is proof positive of how life-changing that event could have been.
I attend every Doug Loves Movies podcast taping that I can. So far, since November, I’ve only missed two. Now, one of my life goals is to be a guest on this show to talk movies, and joke about whatever arises in conversation.
At this particular taping, the guests were specifically there to promote the upcoming release, Catfight. The panel included Sandra Oh, Anne Heche, and Onur Tukel, both stars and the director, respectively.
Onur and Doug once had an historic episode a few years back, during the Summer of Blood promotional tour (Onur’s other hit feature). Onur eventually left and the show went on.
But last night was different: This time two out of the three panelists decided to takeover the show and/or talk over Doug while he tried to host the program: Onur and Anne.
Eventually, the voices grew from strained calmness to screaming, and it was then that Doug said those magic words: Does anyone from the audience want to be a guest on the show?
One of my life dreams… presented itself to me like a gourmet lobster. All I had to do was to stand up and approach the stage (I was even inches away in the front row); but alas I froze, and I’ll tell you why.
I was immediately taken back to my youth in which my parents would yell at each other, often invoking our names (this time “the audience”), using the name drop for leverage in their quarrel. I felt helpless, and my anxiety was through the roof. I couldn’t move. It felt like my parents were divorcing all over again.
Nearly ten seconds later, a man in “the audience” finally stood up to the offer. But all I could think of was “choosing sides,” and inciting the rage from the failing side. They were so upset, that I truly felt that Onur would come back and shoot up the place. Of course, this is where my “Writer’s Mind” goes to unnaturally.
After the moment was over, and the two guests left, he asked a guy on Twitter whom he had picked to choose the name for The Last Man Stanton game, and he went onstage. Then, he asked for another (and I quickly raised my hand), but instead, Doug remembered the first guy who offered himself, and so he too went onstage.
I then recoiled at the anger I felt against myself yet again, as I was going to Tweet Doug for another name to play, and that first name could have very well been me.
I know that I’m hard on myself sometimes, but you have to understand the implications in which this guest spot could have fulfilled. I would have played some games (in this case Jason and Deb’s IMDb game [one of my favorites]), then I would have been ya know, on the show(!), and then I could have plugged our YouTube show, We Need Movies; our podcast, Not Quite Hollywood; and my blog in general. Who knows what that could have done?!
Well, I overthought about that too: views for YouTube and my blog, likes for the videos, subscribers for our podcast, exposure for My Cancer Story, and so much more. It’s tough to have an overactive imagination that plays out multiple scenarios, because there are so many of them rattling in my head during moments like these, but I often allow fear to prevent me from achieving such moments.
I’ve let fear lead the way for so long. I was shy as a kid, I hesitated to ask girls out, and then kicked myself for it later. And that’s exactly what this feels like; finding the perfect moment to ask a crush out, only to puss out at the last minute.
But fear doesn’t always hold me back. I did in fact move across the entire country to pursue my dreams here in L.A., but then again, I was in such a shock driving across country, that I didn’t react emotionally until Texas. I must have shut off the fear receptor to make it out here, and it is imperative that I do this again.
Fear has steered the ship for so long (“in the shadows”), that I forgot what it felt like when it took over me completely. Fear is something that you can control; it’s in your mind. I’ve been fighting it, saying yes to almost everything that challenges that emotion. I need to overcome this once and for all.
Who knows if I’ll ever have that kind of opportunity again? But next time, I will be ready, because the parallel universe Jamie is on Cloud 9 right about now, and that’s where I want to be. Just do it.
Sometimes Jamie has passionate rants about parallel universes, and other times, he rambles about some old movie. For both (and more), subscribe to this blog.