My Cancer Story Ch. 43 “A Sense of Dread”

Chapter 43: “A Sense of Dread”

Jump to a Chapter: 
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 |  10 |
11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 |
21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 
41 | 42 | 4445 | 4647484950

My attitude had forever been altered for the better, even as I returned to work. Sure, I still despised the job– I mean, who likes trying to get people into debt? Yet I had this sense of comfort in it all. I was alive; so the simple fact I could feel anything at all – even if it was disapproval of the company’s practices – was reassuring, to say the least.

My perspective on life became the embodiment of what a normal person’s 20/20 vision is described as; complete with rose-colored glasses. Except my vision was looking ahead, and it was real. This newfound appreciation of life had only exacerbated from my time in the hospital, and I was sure to keep it flowing.

This new ear at our house in Wallagrass was extremely special to me. We didn’t have cable (Thank God), so we had to come up with our own entertainment (much like when we were kids). And since we were so far from the town proper, we didn’t use it often as a time-consuming crutch.

Instead, our fun consisted of hanging out at the house, playing games, and throwing parties. Not the type of party that you surely just conjured up in your mind– at least not all like that, but we had people over almost every night. Whether it was just Mitch or Brent (or both), or a slew of people, our nights were rarely boring.

Even when Jonas would need rides at the ass crack of dawn to work at Paradis’ Shop N Save, and I’d have to drive him, I couldn’t complain too much. Life was still a precious gift of which I had continued to possess, and anything was better than the alternative.

But all of that positive energy and perspective couldn’t hold a candle to the impact of the feelings I would summon as my first monthly check up rapidly approached.

I had scheduled the appointment for April 21st during my final discharge from Eastern Maine Medical Center, but as the day crept ever closer, I couldn’t help but worry.

What if this celebratory living of my life was to be short-lived? What if the cancer cells reformed in my bone marrow, and I found myself back at square one– nay, square zero; this time needing a bone marrow transplant? While I appreciated the doctor’s honesty of that potential next step during treatment, I hated the knowledge of it now on the other side of the hospital doors.

The ride down in my Fat White Cadillac was of course, physically comfortable (that thing rode like an orgasm), but tense for my mental psyche. I tried to avoid the medical dread by tuning it out, listening to music, and talking with my Mom and Gary who had joined me on this excursion. I had thoroughly enjoyed driving them for a change.

When I got to the outpatient clinic, some of my apprehensions melted away.

It was a mini-reunion with Susan, Kathy, Sherry, and the rest. I was with the people who had saved me from death’s grip, and it was good to see their faces again. The nurses took my vitals and withdrew blood while we chatted.

But my fears resumed once I sat back down to await my results. It was never the act of drawing my blood that scared me; it was the answers that that blood would provide. I didn’t understand this fear either; I hadn’t felt this way ONCE since the very first day of my treatment when the nurses on Grant 6 drew more blood than I thought humanly possible.

I’m sure that Mom and Gary were just as worried – but to their credit – they never let their emotions known to me. I had hoped I was giving the same vibe, but since the topic was unspoken, there was no way any of us would reveal our hands, at least yet.

Dr. McGann came around the corner – with the results in hand – to greet me. I looked to Mom and Gary and told them that I “would be back,” and I meant it. I was a fool; I’ve seen Scream enough to know that they were right about those words: it’s often a death nail for that character.

As we got into the examination room, I sat on the table and she performed the usual tests: ears, eyes, nose, throat, and felt my abdomen for any abnormalities. You know, the usual check-up checklist.

Then she examined my testicles for any reoccurrence of cancer via the testicles (another bit of information that I could have lived without, Doc), but thankfully, she found nothing. She reiterated that it was important that I continue my self-examinations to ensure nothing arose of that possibility. Ok, ok. So “arose” was a poor choice of words, but you’re dirty for thinking it.


The testicles were fine, and so she went over my blood results with me. “Your red blood cells are a bit low, platelets are low, but your white blood cells are where they should be, which is a great sign.”

As she said those words, my shoulders sunk and my mind soared with a euphoric high. I felt like my life-loving self again. We discussed my eating habits and exercise regimen which were both subpar. I vowed to improve upon those, but in the meantime, I had a clean bill of health.


Wait, so you mean eating ALL of these curly fries in one sitting isn’t good for you?!

I thanked her and left the room for the waiting area. I told my parents the good news and we all cheered. As we walked down the stairs to leave, I decided it would be best to go into the main building and say hi to my other former caregivers.

As the elevator ascended, I tried to prepare what I was going to say. It was weird; this was the first time I had EVER come up to this floor as a guest and not a patient.

I walked through the front doors with my hair full, and my skin the proper color, and saw Michelle. She squealed at my surprise appearance and we shared a solid hug. She led me to the nurse’s station where we chatted for over half an hour.

It felt so good to see all of these fine people in a post-treatment setting. I took solace in that fact and smiled internally in light of that sentiment.

It had been another great day, even in the face of dread. I won this battle, but little did I know: the war had only just begun.

-Jamie (@GuyOnAWire)

This will be my on-going story of my personal battle with Cancer. I’ve been wanting to write this for years, and my hope is that it helps others who are currently experiencing their own battles (whether it be for themselves or a loved one) or to help with early detection.

The way I’m doing it is terrifying for a writer. I’m writing a first-draft outline for an eventual book, chapter by chapter in weekly form. A LOT will change when it’s published.

Stay tuned as I will be posting a new chapter every Monday until the story is complete.

And remember if you experience any Anemic symptoms– get checked for Leukemia as well.

Jump to a Chapter: 
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 |  10 |
11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 |
21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 |
41 | 424445 | 4647484950

49 thoughts on “My Cancer Story Ch. 43 “A Sense of Dread”

  1. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 42- Our First House | GuyOnAWire

  2. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 40 “The End of the Tour” | GuyOnAWire

  3. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 41 “Sibling Rivalry: Round Two” | GuyOnAWire

  4. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 38 “Role Reversal” | GuyOnAWire

  5. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 39 “Preparing for the Best” | GuyOnAWire

  6. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 37 “Pure Boredom” | GuyOnAWire

  7. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 34 “A Perfect Circle” | GuyOnAWire

  8. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 36 “The Destructive Shell” | GuyOnAWire

  9. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 35 “Trivial Preoccupations” | GuyOnAWire

  10. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 31 “Shake, Rattle, and Roll” | GuyOnAWire

  11. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 32 “Death and All His Friends” | GuyOnAWire

  12. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 33 “Home for the Holidays” | GuyOnAWire

  13. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 30 “Amphoterrible” | GuyOnAWire

  14. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 29 “Home Away From Home for the Holidays” | GuyOnAWire

  15. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 24 “Drugs or Me?” | GuyOnAWire

  16. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 25 “Film Fantatic Vol. 1” | GuyOnAWire

  17. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 27 “Town I Call Home” | GuyOnAWire

  18. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 26 “My Guardian Angels” | GuyOnAWire

  19. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 28 “Super Smash Bros. Mesmerize” | GuyOnAWire

  20. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 21 “Clogged” | GuyOnAWire

  21. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 23 “Picky Eater” | GuyOnAWire

  22. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 22 “The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost” | GuyOnAWire

  23. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 17 “My Fellow Cancer Combatants” | GuyOnAWire

  24. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 18 “Send the Pain Below” | GuyOnAWire

  25. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 16 “My Childhood in a Nutshell” | GuyOnAWire

  26. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 19 “The Starlight Friends” | GuyOnAWire

  27. Pingback: Chapter 15: “The McDonald’s-Loving Thief” | GuyOnAWire

  28. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 13 “Homecoming” | GuyOnAWire

  29. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 14 “Take the Money and Run” | GuyOnAWire

  30. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 12 “Sibling Rivalry” | GuyOnAWire

  31. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 11 “Pins and Needles” | GuyOnAWire

  32. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 10 “Self-Imposed Isolation” | GuyOnAWire

  33. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 7 “Growing Pains” | GuyOnAWire

  34. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 8 “Extraction” | GuyOnAWire

  35. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 9 “Swelling With Pain” | GuyOnAWire

  36. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch.1 “Pre-Diagnosis” | GuyOnAWire

  37. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch.2 “Loved Ones” | GuyOnAWire

  38. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 6 “The Chemo Fallout” | GuyOnAWire

  39. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch.3 “The First Day of Chemo” | GuyOnAWire

  40. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 4 “Media Madness” | GuyOnAWire

  41. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 5 “Stephen King” | GuyOnAWire

  42. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 20 “House Guest” | GuyOnAWire

  43. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 44 “A Crick in the Neck” | GuyOnAWire

  44. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 45 “Summer Soliloquy” | GuyOnAWire

  45. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 46 “My First Camera” | GuyOnAWire

  46. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 47 “The Ronald McDonald Bar Harbor Retreat” | GuyOnAWire

  47. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 48 “License Lost” | GuyOnAWire

  48. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 49 “Halloween High” | GuyOnAWire

  49. Pingback: My Cancer Story Ch. 50 “Extended Family” | GuyOnAWire

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s