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Smashed into Oblivion: A Novella by Jamie Gagnon
Whooooooo-wheeeeeEEEEEEE! A small wooden end table in a stone room rattled as an oversized gold key hopped about on its dark brown top.
Whoooooooooo-wheeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! The key shook violently on the table until it zipped off toward an unseen direction. The key tumbled and rolled in the air like a bicycle in a wind tunnel…
…that is until it sucked right into Kirby’s mouth. His eyes widened and his little stubby arms flapped as if he’s about to take flight.
He was choking. Quickly his eyes darted around and noticed the cot inside of his cell. He ran at it with all of his might smacking his torso (or is it his head?) against it.
The key popped out onto the cot allowing him to breathe relieved breaths. Whooo-Wheee, Whooo-Wheee. Whooo-Wheee.
Having now replenished his oxygen, he marveled at his prize: the key. Somehow, he picked it up with his fingerless hands and waddled over to the lock on the cell.
He carefully slid the key through the cell bars and put it inside the keyhole. He turned it to his right and pushed on the door. Nothing.
He shook his head in realization. A thought bubble formed over his head. The picture in the bubble is of him inside the cell with another copy of Kirby outside. The outside Kirby had the key and the lock is superimposed showing an “L” when he turned it left, and an “R” when he turned it right. The door simply popped opened.
He followed his thought and turned it to his left, and simply pushed on the door.
Nothing. Kirby was getting frustrated.
A snicker escapes a bodiless voice overhead, then another snicker, soon many people burst out into hardcore guffawing on an overhead speaker affixed with a camera at the corner of the room.
Kirby sought out the source of the ridicule.
“I can– I can’t believ–“ the laughing intensified.
The same speaker cleared his throat over the other laughers. “I can’t believe that you would- (chuckled) think we would put you in a cell with the key right next to the cell! (The intense laughing resumed).”
Kirby’s brows furrowed, and you know what that means: American Box Art. He sucked in as much air as possible: WHOOOOOOO-WHHHHHHHEEEEEEE!
He flapped his little arms and sure enough he began to float upward with each and every flutter and his body expanded triple its original size. Then he blew out the gust of air holding him afloat– directly towards the speaker. The speaker blew clean off its hinges and crashed to the floor.
Kirby smiled bright, faced the downed camera and waved. “Hiiii!”
In the control room, a group of shadow men still chuckled as Kirby appeared on their monitors via another camera on top of the door to his right. A tall dark man stood in the doorway behind the men at the TV station-like control panel.
“Are we having enough fun, gentlemen?” the voice uttered. The men frantically resumed their duties, as if nothing happened. “Right, that’s what I thought.” The Tall Man complete with a navy-blue pinstriped business suit and solid matching tie approached the screen bank.
“Let’s allow him to think that he’s won; give him a false sense of hope. Soon it won’t matter– he won’t matter, just like them all,” the Tall Man said.
“Whoa that’s a little ‘evil boss talk’ wouldn’t you say?” asked the main shadow guard. “What’s next, have us all join in for an evil laugh?”
The Tall Man whipped his head back towards the shadow creature: “How would you like it if I sliced your shadowy residue into pieces?”
The shadow’s eye bulged out, even without any pupils, it was noticeable. “No sir, I would not like that at all. P-point taken.” The shadow man recoiled into his chair. The two others around him continued to face their consoles.
Another shadow creature ran into the room in a panic. “Sir, we have confirmation. We had a visual on Mario; he’s being assisted by a few ancillaries. They’re in Dreamland.”
“Who are they?!” barked the Tall Man.
“Lucas, Mr. Game & Watch, and King Dedede, sir.”
…Game & Watch?” The Tall Man’s shoulders sunk as if he’d seen a long lost love. But just as quickly he resumed his stature and turned on a dime to the captors. “Gentlemen, prepare four more cages.”
“But sir, where can we house four cages? We need more games,” offered the shadow guard. “I mean they need to be separat–”
The Tall Man grabbed the shadow guard by the throat. Shadow residue poured from his neck as if each side were waterfalls. “Yes, I understand that, you pathetic peon. This is why we took the Mushroom Kingdom and Green Hill Zone: to finish the job once and for all. This ends now and Mario is it. And if we wait any longer, then they may find more.”
The Tall Man released the guard, dropping him to his knees.
Guards I also want to make sure we don’t take any chances here– Double security on each cell. We mustn’t let them escape.”
The corner guards each grabbed their respective phone. The middle one began typing at his console. The Tall Man sneered and turned to the doorway, adjusting his tie as he left.
As they hung up the phone, each corner guard stood up and split in two. One of each left the room, and the others resumed their duties.
On the console were dozens of monitors to myriad holding units.
Princess Peach paced back and forth in one, only pausing to checking her watch and shaking her head.
Luigi and Daisy huddled in another cell. Luigi shook in his boots, as Daisy read a book. Clearly she wore the pants in this relationship.
Captain Falcon Falcon-Punched a side of his cell, trying to melt the steel. Silly Falcon, fire can’t melt steel.
Donkey Kong sat in one at the corner of his cell, deflated. He wrote on a sign and held it up to the camera. Where’s Diddy?
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