Smashed into Oblivion: A Novella by Jamie Gagnon
“The Mushroom Kingdom”
An irritating chainsaw of a snore rattled throughout the walls of Princess Peach’s castle. Outside the window and down a silo of bricks, a set of small hands dug out weeds from around beautiful pink rose bushes. It was Toad! Or rather a Toad as four of them were tending to the Royal Garden.
The Toad nearest the roses winced at the relentless snore, and then finally shuddered. He slammed down his gardening tools and pulled out an iPod, shoved the earbuds into his mushroom cap, and drowned out the disgusting habit.
Just then it stopped, as the source of the noise: a rotund figure slowly tossed and turned under Royal Pink sheets. Beep beep beep. BEEP BEEP BEEP. BEEP BEEP BEEP. Finally, the alarm clock broke through the unsettling nasal blockage. The spot next to him indented with a womanly figure, but there was no woman.
The man in question is Mario Mario of the Mushroom Kingdom. He rolled onto his back and opened his eyes. He stared at himself in the mirror high above the bed.
“Whoo-hoo, what another crazy dream.” Mario looked over to Princess Peach’s side then took out a voice recorder from the nearby nightstand drawer.
Good, I hate when people hear me a-dictate. He presses the record button.
“I just had a dream where a-Luigi, Peach, and everyone else a-vanished. And I was left alone forever. Could this a-mean that I have commitment issues?”
Mario thought on that, then mouthed: Naw…
He set the recorder down back on the nightstand, and looked over to Peach’s depression again.
Ugh, we need to flip this-a mattress.
He shifted his body so that his feet dangled out over the floor and hopped off.
As he walked away, it was clear that he had his boxers on backwards, because his butt had a picture of a mushroom and the caption: “Touch it; Gets Bigger.”
Mario walked into the kitchen, now dressed in full overalls, sans his trademark hat. He had begun to worry, as she wasn’t in the kitchen making his traditional breakfast: Italian blood sausage and buckwheat pancakes.
He walked out into the backyard where she would normally be planting her turnips.
“Peeeach? Honey?” Mario raised his hand to chew his fingernails in anxiety. His glove stopped him.
“HOW does-a Luigi do it?”
A Toad scampered by.
“Uh… Toad?” Toad skidded to a stop and faced Mario. “Have you seen Princess Peach anywhere?”
“I saw her last night,” Toad replied. “I mean, I saw her before bed– You know what, let’s just say I saw her within the past twenty-four hours.”
“That’s what I feared. Have you heard from Yoshi, or-or received any mail from Luigi and Daisy?”
“They’re on their honeymoon, there’s no way either one of them will have time to mail you something,” retorted Toad with a grin. “And another thing: I’m the garden Toad. I’m not the mail Toad. If you want Jerry, Jerry’s his name by the way, he should be in the foyer,” scoffed Toad who turned on a dime.
“Ok, thank you, Toad.” Mario ran off.
Toad turned back to add: “My NAME’S Bill– and he’s gone.”
Mario rushed into the foyer where Jerry opened mail with a letter opener shaped like one of Bowser’s teeth.
“Toad! Toad!” Two other nearby Toads also looked up. “Er… Jerry!”
Jerry slowly looked up in exuberant joy. “Mario knows my name, everybody! Mario. Knows. My. Name!” Jerry started a slow clap that soon caused the other Toads to cheer. The other hundreds poured into the entrance from all possible doorways. It looked like a sea of psychedelic mushrooms.
“That’s right, he knew my name!,” shouted Jerry.
“False alarm,” informed Bill who calmly strut in from the kitchen. “I told him.”
Groans filled the audience of the Toads as they began to disperse.
“No, no wait,” Mario pleaded. “I need your-a help. Princess Peach is missing!”
One Toad shouted, “Duh, Bowser must have kidnapped her again!”
Mario countered, “Normally I’d agree, but he loves his theatricality. She just a-vanished in the bed overnight!”
Murmurs filled the crowd of Toads.
Another random Toad voiced his input: “Maybe he’s trying something new? All of those old fogies eventually try to look ‘hip’ as they age. Like trying to play a sport or have wild parties.”
Mario’s noggin tilted at the comment, then shook it off. “Okie dokie, it won’t hurt to check. I’m off to rescue Peach. Who’s with me?”
The crowd fell silent. Jerry looked up at Mario. “We can’t go, we’re as weak as a Goomba! We should never share in your adventures, and if anyone did, it should be Peach, Luigi, and maybe that steroidal freak Toad from Subcon!”
“Well, I uh don’t have Luigi with me, and Yoshi… he’s missing too.”
“Just go ya big pussy!, shouted another stray Toad. Although it seemed like it was coming from the same section.
Mario nodded his head, and walked out the front double doors, chest puffed out like the hero he used to be.
“I sure told that mustachioed tryant!,” exclaimed a Toad. Mario walks back in and grabs his trademark hat off of a hook near the door.
“Almost forgot my hat! That was a close one!”
“I’M SORRY, SIR, it’ll never happen again!,” cried the very same Toad.
Mario looked out to the Toad in a confused stupor.
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